10.10.2010

I've been reading Lunch in Paris for about 7 months now.  I just want to finish it already!   I really enjoy the book but for some reason it's taking me f.o.r.e.v.e.r. to finish it.

One paragraph, though, stuck out.  I feel like it is exactly what I am going through right now and is the reason why I am so unhappy and discontented in my current place in life.

"Here it was, right on schedule: my mini existential crisis.  Yes, the writing was still coming in dribs and drabs.  But it was so slow.  Yup, the tours were great.  I felt like I was doing something really valuable - sharing the love of museums my father had given me.  But it wasn't mine.  Once again, I was a charming cog in someone else's wheel.  I was once again forced to confront (with the accompanying self-loathing) the fact that I had the goods, but not the discipline or perseverance to create something for myself.  How could anyone so ambitious be so inert?"

I came home from work yesterday truly upset.  I just wanted to cry.  The communication is simply not there which is causing so many problems.  And then the drama.  Dear god, just go away.  I felt so uncomfortable that someone even commented on my fidgety nature.  I do really love working in hospitality but when the workers behind the scenes are not hospitable to eachother, how can we provide our best services to our clients/guests?  It can't work like that.  It has to start from the ground up, from the housekeeping to the servers to the kitchen, to the management.

It's definitely not Gary.  I love him more and more everyday.  We're learning to appreciate each other better and treat each other with the greatest respect.  He's been a great support to me as I struggle with life at the moment.  Though it's also about not living on our own in addition to working in a terribly unprofessional environment.  I need to get out of here simply to gain my sanity back.  I want to enjoy where I work and feel at home.  I can't wait until I can go to sleep with no terror that something didn't get done or dream about work or wake up feeling so anxious that I wish I never woke up in the first place.

I can't wait for Gary to graduate :)

1 comment:

Neil & Amanda said...

I remember that feeling so well when working at the hotel in Duluth. I got through it knowing that I was doing the best I could do everyday and made sure I made up for what anyone else did wrong. I also got through knowing I wouldn't be there forever, which is just like you too.